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As the sun was setting outside my window at the monastery, I pulled my chair to the window to watch it disappear beneath the coastal mountains. This was my first time at the Abbey in Mission, B.C. Despite the beautiful views and the fact that I was in a monastery, I was feeling spiritually dry and frustrated.
Being a bit of a dreamer I thought I would go to the Abbey for a few days, the heavens would instantly open up, and I’d return home with a glowing face, a la Moses coming down from Mount Sinai. After 24 hours the only thing that was shining was the car parked outside my window as the sun reflected off it. As a matter of fact, just prior to my move to the window to watch the sunset, I had called my wife and complained that I didn’t know why I was there.
Out of nowhere, the thought crossed my mind that maybe I was too much of a jerk to experience God’s presence.
The instant I had that thought shame from the stupid stuff I had done, and probably would do in the future, washed over me. I asked God for help and wrote in my journal “God I really need your help. All of my attempts to be less of a jerk have failed.” Sounds silly, but that’s what I was thinking and feeling at the time.
As the sun was just about to disappear, I think I heard from God. God seemed to say that They love me and that They accept me just the way I am. They wanted me to love myself. They also seemed to say that They had hope for me. The Divine seemed to encourage me to really live!
After writing this down, I felt washed. I wrote in the very last line of my journal that it wasn’t so much the words, as Their presence in the room that had given relief from my earlier thoughts of guilt and shame. Then more doubt followed. Was this really God speaking to me?
I moved away from the window, turned on a light and sat down in another chair. I grabbed the Brennan Manning book I had brought with me, “Reflections for Ragamuffins”.
Almost the very first thing I read was “If you love yourself intensely and freely, then your feelings correspond perfectly with the sentiments of Jesus.”
Hmmmm., Creator God thank you for your, unconditional life-changing love.
Learning to pray: This may seem crazy, but ask the Divine what They think about you. Listen for an answer. Write down what comes to mind.
Take good care,
Rod
P.S. This was originally posted in May of 2007. Will I ever learn?
The meditation I created is called Experiencing Oneness in a Divided World. In it, we explore a deep and comforting truth: that everything is connected.
As I venture out this morning, I'm thinking about the Mary Oliver poem, wild Geese, where she says, “You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.
I just want to bow 🙇♂️ in gratitude (also laugh because there’s a 🙇 bowing emoji)
For a period in my life I used to go to a particular place in a park not far from my house to meditate and pray. It was the beginning of a practice that I continue to practice to this very day, although this post is about a time when I took a break.
Our guest today is author Eric Janzen. Eric is probably best known for his high fantasy fiction books. He's written a trilogy called The Dreamtrekker Journals Trilogy, and more recently released a new series entitled The Essence Tales. In Eric's bio, he says he will continue writing until he can't anymore.
Our daughter Jess gifted me with a poem today. She says... Wrapping up my last few days on the coast for now… it’s been so amazing to get so much “normal” time with my family, and one of my favorite things is morning walks with dad. His practice of noticing and of being quiet enough in spirit to notice the minute details is always a gift.
Our new little bundle of joy - August (Gus) Matthew Toews - has reminded us all how powerful and incredible love is.
I am contemplating emptiness this morning which I know sends cautionary shivers down the spines of some Christians. I was warned about this by a "well-meaning" Christian on the weekend when I used the word emptiness at a retreat I was co-leading.
snowy days (meditation) Hints of Gladness
Are sounds like this (birdsong, babbling brooks) meant to touch our souls? I think they are.